Don't Let Friends Drink and Myspace

January 7, 2007—What started out as a typical "girl's night out" turned into a social and personal disaster for Anna Richards of Eugene, OR when she fell prey to temptation and ended up Myspacing Under the Influence of Intoxicants last night. Though her friends had specifically told her to stay away from her computer when they dropped her off at home after the night's festivities, Anna failed to comply.

She added inappropriate sexual comments on her friends' pages, posted several chain bulletins, and wrote a rambling, emotional blog with absolutely no point whatsoever. According to one of Ms. Richard's unidentified friends, Anna also sent messages to two different men stating that she was "totally in love" with them. It's not certain to what extent her social standing will be damaged, but suffice it to say that Anna will be picking up the pieces of her online life for weeks to come.

When asked how much she had to drink, Ms. Richards replied: "Oh, eight or so…I don't remember, exactly! I think there were some Buttery Nipples involved, though!" Told about the extent of her MUII the next day, Anna commented: "Oh, Gosh! Did I really do all that? Wow, I hope nobody takes it seriously! I mean, doesn't everyone drink and Myspace? They'll know I was just drunk!"

With the rising popularity of the Myspace community, MUII has become a rapidly spreading problem and it's causing social upheaval across the country. Recently, a man in Tennessee was hospitalized after passing out drunk on his keyboard and sending a message to his girlfriend consisting mostly of the letter "b" repeated endlessly. Three women in California were jailed for allegedly assaulting a man who accidentally sent Myspace messages revealing his infidelity to all three women.

A White House Spokesperson was asked to comment on the escalating scourge of MUII: "President Bush assures me that he has a plan to stop the proliferation of Myspacing Under the Influence of Intoxicants. He has commissioned a team of experts to study the problem and prepare a report for him so he can choose a course of action. For now, the President asks that the public simply say "No" to using Myspace while on drugs."