The End of Marriage as We Know it. (And that's OK)

Two California college students, who are supporters of gay marriage, have begun collecting signatures for a ballot measure that would repeal the ban on gay marriage, and strike the word "marriage" from all California laws. It would be replaced by the term "domestic partnership," and would apply to all unions of couples, regardless of gender.

Of course, The Defenders of Marriage (tm) are up in arms about this. Their primary argument against allowing same-sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples is this: "Societies through the ages have considered marriage to be a relationship between a man and a woman that forms the cornerstone of families and the ideal place for having and raising children."

There are two obvious errors in this type of thinking: 1.) Using the past history of the world to determine what is right and what is wrong is inherently faulty. "Society" has been wrong about many things over the years. (See: powered flight, astronomy, witchcraft, chemical properties, and disease control for starters) and 2.) A combination of any man and any woman is not necessarily the "ideal place for having and raising children." Some men and some women are ideal parents, while others are not. We can all agree that it takes a combination of male and female sexual organs to actually produce children, but raising them is another matter entirely. Why would a child raised by a gay or lesbian couple with proper love, affection, and instruction be less likely to have a positive life outcome than one raised by an abusive, neglectful, or drug-addicted hetero couple? No proponent of man/woman only marriage has been able to answer that question.

Now, let's consider the institution of marriage in a broader context--does marriage have an actual positive impact on society at large? We know that it can have a negative impact on individuals because of the large numbers of abused spouses and children throughout the world. On the other hand, research has shown that a stable marriage has positive economic outcomes for families, but there's no evidence for a causal relationship between marriage and positive social outcomes. (There is, however, a correlation between marriage and some positive outcomes.) Furthermore, there's absolutely no evidence that a marriage between adults of the same sex produces negative outcomes.

OK, we've crushed the arguments against...now what should we actually do about this marriage/domestic partnership thing? The solution is simple: leave "marriage" to the churches, and States and Federal government can allow everyone to have a "civil union," or "domestic partnership," with all of the associated rights. In the US of A, we have this thing called a "Constitution" which is supposed to guarantee rights to all citizens, not a select few, or even a majority who feel the same way...all. So, anyone and everyone can have a civil contract that helps protect property rights and proper financial support for its members. There is an obstacle to this, however, the Defense of Marriage Act. This piece of legislation should have already been struck down by the Supreme Court, but it continues to exist, despite it being in clear violation of Section One of the Fourteenth Amendment:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." (emphasis added)

Allowing individual States to re-define marriage is not the answer. Governments should not be in the business of marriage, period. It's an institution with direct ties to religion, and it should remain that way, separate from government.

People who want to have a marriage sanctified by their god of choice should head on down to the church, mosque, or temple and have a ceremony. Their church can define a marriage any way they want to, and exclude those who don't agree. In the meantime, people should mind their own business and stop trying to legislate their morality(no matter how popular) on everyone else. This country remains great because we can all have our own values, without infringing upon others.

The Flower Pot Smoker

If you're a fan of the Food Network like I am, then you probably know about the show Good Eats, with Alton Brown. In one episode about barbeque, he used a smoker made out of a flower pot, an electric hot plate, a tin pie pan, and a thermometer to smoke a pork shoulder. When I saw it, I thought it sounded like a good idea for a fun project. Plus, the glorified tin foil "box" smokers cost about $100, and his was built for less than that.

So, when my brother wanted to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving, I decided that it was time to make one. Since I knew I wanted to use this device quite a bit, I decided to make it as easy as possible to use and reuse. I read a few blogs by other people who had made (or attempted to make) a smoker like this and read about some of the typical pitfalls: the hot plate not getting hot enough; not being able to control the temperature; and having to pull everything out to change the wood chips. So, I set out to my local hardware/gardening superstore to purchase the needed parts.
The Parts

• 17" plain terra cotta pot ($30)
• 17" plain terra cotta basin ($17)
• Barbecue thermometer ($10)
• 1000 watt electric hot plate ($20) This model has a cast-iron heating surface.
• 15" replacement round barbecue grill ($8)
• One 600 watt, 110 volt dimmer switch ($10)
• Two, 6' 14 gauge, high heat utility cord ($8)
• Chrome handle ($4)
• Chrome hinges ($2)
• Chrome cabinet pull ($2)
• Assorted stainless hardware ($3)
• Plastic electrical junction box and switch cover ($4)

Grand Total: ~$116
As you can see, the total ended up over $100, but I didn't mind because I knew this unit would be quite a bit more customized than the one Alton built, and hopefully, much easier to use.
The Assembly
First, I used a masonry bit to drill holes in the overturned basin for the handle and the thermometer. Using the stainless hardware, I attached the handle to the bottom of the basin, which is now my lid.
Next, I got out my air powered rotary tool and used a cutting wheel to slice open a rectangular opening in the pot about four inches wide by three inches tall. Then, I drilled holes for the hinge and drawer pull into the pot and the remaining rectangular cut-out. (Note: I should have put the hinge on the side of the hole, as it would have been easier to use.)
I used a couple of broken brick chunks in the bottom of the pot to get the hot plate to sit level, and then a couple of bricks on the bottom to allow for air flow beneath it. I wired the hot plate into the junction box with the dimmer switch and the utility cord. All that was left to do was insert the grill rack into the pot and turn it on.
Problem #1: It Won't Get Hot Enough, and I can't regulate the heat.
When I first plugged it in and turned the hot plate up to "high," the smoker only reached a temp of about 150 degrees. After a little more research, I discovered that the temperature control on the hot plate uses a bimetallic strip that cycles on and off when it reaches a certain temperature. For safety's sake, it's set to 150. So, I had to strip out and bypass the control , then wire my utility cord directly into the fused terminal inside the unit. This allowed the unit to heat up to the target of 220 degrees.
When we put the turkey in and started to smoke it early Thanksgiving morning, the hotplate quit working. It turned out that the fuse on the terminal block blew out because of the prolonged heat and current. So, I bypassed it with a small piece of wire I cut off of the ground wire. (Note: this device is definitely not going to be listed by the UL)
My research online paid off, because I was able to use the dimmer switch to control the temperature accurately. The turkey came out delicious, though one could argue it was over-smoked due to one too many applications of wood chips.
Problem #2: Changing Chips is a Pain
If you're smoking a large piece of meat, you have to change the wood chips a couple of times. Taking off the lid loses the heat, and it's a nightmare to pull out your turkey/pork roast/ribs/whatever out of the device and set them down so you can pull out the pie pan and replace the chips. Here's where the online research paid off again. The"hatch" I cut into the pot was cut at exactly the right height for reaching in and changing the pie tin. I used my tin snips and a hammer to beat the pie pan into a rectangular shape that would fit through the hatch and then attached a coat hanger bent into a loop for a handle. The first time we used it, the aluminum pie pans burnt up due to the high heat on the hot plate, so I fashioned a new one out of a #10 tin can. (See picture.) This allows me to change chips without having to take off the lid and disturbing the meat being smoked.




Problem #3: The Wiring Burnt Up


After a couple of uses, the original wiring under the hotplate burnt up and caused it to short out. So, I used two 6-inch pieces of solid copper wire (12 gauge 120 volt household wire) that were stripped of all insulation.  I then dipped each piece of wire in silicon caulking.  I then connected those to a utility cord.  When I cut the cord in pieces, I left a short connection (about a foot) next to the hot plate, which allows me to disconnect it from the dimmer switch and pull the hot plate out for cleaning. I can also disconnect the dimmer switch assembly and store it inside the house, away from moisture, while the smoker sits comfortably on the back porch. (NOTE: You need to be careful if you do it this way because if you don't first unplug the unit from the outlet, the other end of your assembly will still be "live" and you can shock yourself or short it out!) Again, this thing is not UL listed!



Problem #4: Too Much Direct Heat and Flames from Dripping Fat

The Thanksgiving turkey was a bit burnt on the bottom because it had too much direct heat from the burner, and when I cooked my first pork shoulder, I had a flash of flame. So, I'm using a roasting rack which raises the meat a couple of inches off the barbeque rack inside the pot. Also, I place a small drip pan (about 12" square) made of heavy-duty tin foil underneath the meat to catch drippings and protect it from direct heat. I've had excellent success on the most recent pork shoulders and a chicken.

Don't Let Friends Drink and Myspace

January 7, 2007—What started out as a typical "girl's night out" turned into a social and personal disaster for Anna Richards of Eugene, OR when she fell prey to temptation and ended up Myspacing Under the Influence of Intoxicants last night. Though her friends had specifically told her to stay away from her computer when they dropped her off at home after the night's festivities, Anna failed to comply.

She added inappropriate sexual comments on her friends' pages, posted several chain bulletins, and wrote a rambling, emotional blog with absolutely no point whatsoever. According to one of Ms. Richard's unidentified friends, Anna also sent messages to two different men stating that she was "totally in love" with them. It's not certain to what extent her social standing will be damaged, but suffice it to say that Anna will be picking up the pieces of her online life for weeks to come.

When asked how much she had to drink, Ms. Richards replied: "Oh, eight or so…I don't remember, exactly! I think there were some Buttery Nipples involved, though!" Told about the extent of her MUII the next day, Anna commented: "Oh, Gosh! Did I really do all that? Wow, I hope nobody takes it seriously! I mean, doesn't everyone drink and Myspace? They'll know I was just drunk!"

With the rising popularity of the Myspace community, MUII has become a rapidly spreading problem and it's causing social upheaval across the country. Recently, a man in Tennessee was hospitalized after passing out drunk on his keyboard and sending a message to his girlfriend consisting mostly of the letter "b" repeated endlessly. Three women in California were jailed for allegedly assaulting a man who accidentally sent Myspace messages revealing his infidelity to all three women.

A White House Spokesperson was asked to comment on the escalating scourge of MUII: "President Bush assures me that he has a plan to stop the proliferation of Myspacing Under the Influence of Intoxicants. He has commissioned a team of experts to study the problem and prepare a report for him so he can choose a course of action. For now, the President asks that the public simply say "No" to using Myspace while on drugs."

The Day the Cable Box Died

Dear Cable Box,

I didn't tell you how I felt while you are alive, and now I regret it sincerely. I can only hope that you'll get this message in your electronic afterlife. I pray that "deus ex machina" is more than just a philosophical turn of phrase.

I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me over the years. You were always there when I needed you. Without you and your ubiquitous advertisements, I wouldn't have known which products to buy to make me so popular and handsome. Without your 24-hour news channels and their 60-second , pre-digested segments, I wouldn't have known what opinions to hold about events happening in my world. With you in my life, I hardly needed to think at all.

Now, instead of sitting comfortably in the den surrounded by pillows and snacks, I am forced to interact with other people. I can no longer live my life through a 52-inch, high-definition, Dolby THX-enhanced window. This three dimensional reality sucks... and I can't even get the good parts On Demand.

In the end, words simply cannot express my gratitude for all that you've done, nor my sorrow because you've passed. Of course, you are not truly gone forever. Though the electrons have ceased to flow through your circuits, your spirit will live on through my quiescence and apathy. The cable box is dead, long live cable box!



P.S. Never mind, the cable company is replacing you on Monday.

This is serious.

Apparently, many people are not taking this blog of mine seriously. I have been unjustly accused of being "funny," "hilarious," and one person even said, (and I quote with real quotes, not fingers) (quote-->)" You seem to be a real comic. "(<--unquote)

I want everyone out there to know that this blog and everything associated with me in the past, present, future, or any other temporal dimension will always be completely, absolutely, and unequivocally serious.

You will find no silly or tongue-in-cheek (or anywhere else, sicko!) comments here, there, or anywhere. I will not make them with a fox. I will not make them in a box. I will not make them, Sam-I-am.

So, if you agree to accept every word written here as the absolute truth, and view it in the most sincere manner possible, then you are welcome to visit here as often as you like. Anyone who violates this rule will suffer the most dire of possible consequences: a mark on your PERMANENT record.

Humor Impaired

Imagine a friend delivering a punchline to a joke and then waiting in uncomfortable silence while you stare at your shoes. Visualize yourself in a movie theater where you are the only one in the audience who is not laughing. This is what it's like for people like me--an unfortunate soul born without a sense of humor. It's a fairly common genetic defect, as it's estimated that one in eight people are afflicted. Over 40 million Americans suffer from cachinnus hilum. It's a debilitating social disease that no one wants to talk about, so we suffer in silence while the rest of the world is free to laugh as they please.

It's not that we can't physically perform laughter; we simply can't detect humorous situations. People can tell jokes, and I simply don't get it. I can watch dudes get hit in the groin over and over again without any kind of reaction. I can listen to Dane Cook's stand up routines and not even crack a smile. Why are all those other people laughing?

You might be thinking, "What's the big deal, who cares if you're humor impaired?" There are many reasons why this condition is so hard to cope with. Here are just a few:

1. Our career options are limited to professions like judge, lawyer, news anchor, politician, doctor, religious zealot, or TV sit-com writer.
2. Every social situation is potentially embarrassing and always nerve-wracking.
3. Men find it nearly impossible to date because women like a man with a sense of humor.
4. Our entertainment options are limited to violence and sex.
5. Other people laugh at us, not with us.

Luckily, there are now treatment options available. I've recently started seeing a Laugh Therapist. She helps me learn about certain cues that I can use to laugh at appropriate times. She even says that, with practice, my laugh will eventually stop sounding like a "hyena from Jersey suffering from an asthma attack."

So, next time you run into someone who "can't take a joke," remember that it's not their fault...they are just humor impaired. Urge them to talk to their doctor before it's too late. Please support research projects that seek a cure for this terrible disease. Your support can make a difference.